Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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