I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize