mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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