Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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