this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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