I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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