someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
