so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
