so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
