I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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