you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
