Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
