also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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