dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
