walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
