this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
