If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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