A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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