My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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