God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
