tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
