u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
