I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
