just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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