I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
