I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
