we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
