i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
