Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Too much gin, very little bucket
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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