I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
