im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
