just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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