The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
