oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
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I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
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If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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