Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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