my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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