I wish my penis had an off switch
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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