I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
