i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
