I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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