hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
