Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
