I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
