I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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