saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
