Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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