Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
