So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
