I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
