it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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