the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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