Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
