Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
