sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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