My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
