dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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